cajaya (cajaya) wrote,

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Negativity Out, Positivity In

Insecurities and self dout are two things that are defintely my worse enemies. I have learned over the years many different techinques  on how to overcome these things. Yet they still creep up from time to time. I think when Im going through a emotional period in my life, they defintely take over me. When my guard is down. Well since my mental state has been literally on a rollercoaster, by the way Id like to get off the ride now, I can feel the insecurities coming out to play more than Id like.  

Im running in a half marathon on May. I started running in the fall, around October. I picked it up to keep me in shape in between my Breast Cancer 3 Day walks. One thing that keeps me motivate is goals, and races are that goal to me. So Ive ran a 5k, and two 4 milers since than. I have this love/hate relationship with running. I hate it, but when Im done I feel like I can conquer the world. I decided in January that I would do something crazy like run a half marathon. Im sure I decided it while on a runners high, and probably didnt thoroghly thing it through. But Grant thought I could do it, and I know his opinion is pretty substantial since he does know me the best.  So I decided I would go for it. What did I have to lose? I just wanted to complete it. So April 6th was the orginal game plan. The martian half marathon. My training was going good, until life happened. A close friend passed away, and an situation Grant and I were working on in our relationship got a little more complicated. So training suffered. Before I knew it, I was off track. Which is a pretty common thing with me. It took some momentum to get back on track, but I did what I could. I knew I wouldnt be ready for a half by April 6th. 

Sometimes things happen for a reason, I truly believe that. So my sisters called me to talk about my moms 50th birthday party. We wanted to make it a surprise but was hard since we needed to get her address book. So she knows theres a party, but we got a surprise at the party for her. We are getting these Blues Brothers impersonators they saw before to come do a show. She is going to be so geeked. Well they can only come on April 6th. The day I was suppose to run my half. So the half was off, but I dont let things go that easy. So I searched for another half marathon to run. It had to be in April or May due to my 3 day training schedule. I was conversing with some online friends about it, and one of them lives in Cinci, OH. She is running in the Flying Pig Marathon. She sent me some info on the half. Another friend lives close to there, and said she will drive up to cheer me on. I was sold. So my half is now May 4th. It actually worked out good, because it put my training plan back a few weeks and that is where I was physically. So now Im back on track with the plan. 

I have 6 weeks left till the half. Im running around 18-20 miles a week right now. My longest run has been 6 miles. Ive done that the last two weekends. I move up to 7  miles this weekend. I remember when I could barely run for 60 seconds. Its absolutely amazing that I am at the point I am. Its very rewarding but scary for me at the same time. Im scared of injurying myself, since I have arthritis in my knees. I just hope Im not setting myself up for injury. But as long as I follow the plan I think Ill be okay. Im also doubting myself a ton. Especially with the comments Ive received from friends, family, coworkers. I may be reading into them to much, or I may not be. But when I hear their doubt, I start to doubt myself. Its like they convinced me...yep you will fail at this. Who do I think I am? Do I really think I can finish this half? I just started running 6 months ago for goodness sakes. 

The good thing is I have grown in the last few years. While  those words do give me doubt and bring out insecurities they do not encourage me to give up. Hearing those things would of made me give up a few years ago. Not this time. Ive walked in many 3 days. Thats 60 miles in 3 days, while sleeping in tents on the ground those nights. If I can do that, I certainly can run 13 miles. Although 13 miles seems like so much more than a few 60 mile walks to me. Ive been trying to keep the negativity out and keep the positivety in. This is a fun experience. I am growing in this process, and it feels fucking fantastic. Getting out on these races is empowering, and being around all those other runners with one common goal feels great. Its a whole different world. A healthy, positive, strong world. Much different than the party scene Im use to. My goal is to finish, and if I walk, so what? I will not let other people tell me how Im suppose to feel about how I finish, or when I finish. Im doing this event for me, and only me. Participating in this event is enough reward. Reward to keeping myself healthy.  

6 weeks, Im getting pretty excited :)

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